Psychology of relationships (or why we get f*cked up)

A while ago I found out that there are certain chemicals (not pheromones) that are secreted after an orgasm, which have been found to have a correlation with the feeling of love.  This means that love is a chemical dependency that one develops for another person’s chemical…  or orgasms if you will.  A fairly shallow point of view, but, if true, I think it can explain some interesting things.

What is the traditional dynamic in relationships?

1.  He likes her.  She likes him.

2.  They date – everything is splendid.  He likes her.  She likes him.  Butterflies all around, especially in stomach.

3.  They have sex.  He comes.  She doesn’t.

Now this is where problems begin.  He relaxes.  His world is peachy, everything cool, she is his best friend.  She, on the other hand, hasn’t had a release and her intensity grows.  Now she begins to be a bit possessive continuing the dynamic from step 2, while he is like “Wait a second, let’s just relax, no?”.  And so the pendulum gets set up so that they start swinging back and forther with

1. she chases him

2. he freaks and runs

3.  she gets pissed, stops chasing

4.  he realizes he likes her and starts chasing her

5.  she now keeps moving away to retaliate for 2.

6.  he gets pissed, stops chasing.

7.  She realizes she overdid it in 5, they have sex, go to 1.

Now, this means that the cycle goes through until the amplitude of the oscillations causes a break-up by either girl or guy to walk away OR, once the girl starts coming, the system can stabilize and other factors would play a more dominating role (or would be suppressed?).

Now this is, of course, just a hypothesis.  However, it is testable.  Based on my personal experience, there seems to be a strong correlation between girls saying “It is easy for me to come and I come the first time.” with “I don’t really have emotional problems with guys and I don’t get attached right away.”

To have an informal poll, please answer this questionaire here.  You can also view answers here.

Now, if this hypothesis is correct, this would mean that a lot of problems could be avoided in two ways:

1.  The girl MUST come before the guy the first time the couple has sex.  (Masturbation if all else fails?)
2.  The guy should not come when the couple has sex UNLESS the girl comes as well.

It would be interesting to conduct a study about this.  If you are interested, shoot me an email to reallynoti [at] gmail [dot] com and I’ll keep you posted if I organize a study on the subject.

PornoTube: Home Video

Finally, some porn that is actually worth watching: http://www.pornotube.com/media.php?m=1327212

It’s amazing how jaded most porn out there is.  But sometimes, on a rare occasion, you come across something that’s actually done with feeling…  Something that doesn’t feel like it’s pure ram-machine locomotive.

Found out about http://www.tuckermax.com/ today…  quite entertaining…

Blind Love

Another forbidden thought that, had I written it in my personal blog, would possibly affect my business and relationships…  The other day, some friends of mine and I helped a blind woman.  She must have been in her late 20s, early 30s, Asian, she was lost.  Long story short, we guided her to a taxi and, as we led her, she held on to my arm for guidance.  The part right by the elbow.  She was amazingly responsive.  All I had to do was move slightly in one direction or another and she would follow with almost now pressure.  It was as if she were a feather pushed gently around by the wind.  Not pushed, the floated with it, not on it.  It was a soft, gentle, phenomenal touch.  And, as I think back to the experience, I wonder, what would it be to make love to her?  What would our communication become?  It must be an amazing experience to love a blind woman – a woman in perpetual darkness incredibly sensitive to touch.

What about love between two blind people?  I wonder what that looks like.  Think about it: neither of them has ever seen sexual intercourse.  They know of it, but they have never seen it and so can’t emulate it based on observation.  This could answer how much of sex is nature and how much is nurture…  So if I meet that woman and we end up in bed and she is on top, what would happen?

Which leads me to the next question: do blind guys masturbate?  Or do they start later or earlier?  Do they try it because they hear about it?  I remember hearing a story about a couple in Russia with the girl complaining that the guy just goes in and stays there…  doesn’t move…   and when she suggested that he should move, he got angry accusing her of whoring around.  So, if this story is true, could sex be a cognitive creation?

How to Take/Lose Virginity

It’s a amazing to me that our society does not talk about virginity.  Or rather it is talked about in two discrete contexts: academic and porn.  One answers the question of “What does it look like?”, while the other “What is it for?”, yet neither really tells you “How to use it.”  In particular, neither will tell you how to have sex for the first time in such a way as to minimize the pain.

Disclaimer: I am a guy.  As such, I don’t have intuitive knowledge of the subject, so it would be nice if girls chimed in.  I have, however “deflowered” a girl, which, I feel, was a huge responsibility.

When losing virginity, couple of things to keep in mind:

• Girls, do NOT do it just to get it over with.  You’ll likely regret it if you do.  He doesn’t have to be Mr. Right, but make sure he is a good guy.  This experience will likely affect your future relationships, so the main thing is: make sure you two are on the same page.
• Guys, do NOT do it unless you really like the girl.  Chances are that she will become very emotionally invested in you if you are her first.

Now for the practical side: do NOT go for the home-run right away.  And girls, if a guy trying to persuade you that that’s what you should do, he is not the right guy for this.

Having said that, you can take a couple of steps to minimize (or eliminate) the pain and maximize the pleasure.

• Do not just jump into it.  Start slowly: first just play around (hands).  Have him use his pinky.  Then go up in fingers until he is using his thumb and then move up to two fingers at a time.  This can be done over a period of several days (or longer).
• You can also start by using toys of variable size and gradually work up to the level you feel comfortable with.
• When time comes, he doesn’t have to go in all the way, but can go very slowly entering millimeter by millimeter: just like when you stretch for sports, you can give the body some time to adjust. 
• Instead of traditionally letting the guy do the work (missionary position), leave that for later.  Start with the girl on top so that she controls the movement and makes sure that she goes as slowly or as fast as she wants the first time.

If you have any other suggestions, please leave a comment.  Also, I would really appreciate it if you gave me some feedback on whether this information has been helpful and if you would like me to elaborate on any of this.

About this blog

In Japan I was shocked by how segmented the society creating multiple personalities in individuals: multiple facades, however groteque or clean, present a single individual: an office worker by day, a hard-core punk rocker by night…  in the West, such compartmentalization of people is not quite as evident, but is, nevertheless, present.  And so I feel, out of duty to my business partners (rather than cowardice in front of personal responsibility) to write this blog hiding my identity.  I apologize and hope you will find it entertaining.

No tracking -> Vox sux: moving to wordpress.

Well, so the previous blogging platform sucked – vox.  Good idea, but no ability to link with google analytics and no internal tracking to boot.  Lame.  Hence, we are switching.